不是影评，仅为记录。

由达伦·阿伦诺夫斯基 (Darren Aronofsky) 执导的《鲸》(The Whale)。在查阅导演姓名时，恍然发现，电影《黑天鹅》(Black Swan) 也出自此导演之手。《黑天鹅》由娜塔莉·波特曼 (Natalie Portman)主演。娜塔莉·波特曼便是《这个杀手不太冷》(Léon)中捧着花盆的小女孩。说回《鲸》，看完之时便觉得，应该写下自己的感受。男主查理 (Charlie)由加拿大籍美国演员布兰登·詹姆斯·费舍 (Brendan James Fraser) 饰演。

影片中，查理在给学生们的最后一封邮件中写道：

"Dear Fellow Journeymen, One last lesson: F* theseridiculous essays. F* the readings. JUST WRITE ME SOMETHING HONEST."

这封邮件使我十分触动。很多时候，在记录上，我畏手畏脚。想写下放学路上在水坑中窥探到的树木倒影，却转眼开始纠结，这是否过于零碎。在写作时，我追求用最短的句式表达无穷的情绪，却时常在此过程中耗费大量时间，文字似需要涂抹润滑油般的，无法跃然纸上。所以，"JUST WRITE ME SOMETHING HONEST."

一直喜欢看电影，也十分艳羡朋友观影后精彩的评价。相比于评价，我更偏向于通过描写，记录和分享我的感受。笨拙，但足够真诚。

《鲸》的人物和场景，简单得罕见。

主要人物（按出现顺序）：查理（男主），利兹（男主爱人的妹妹兼护工），托马斯（到男主家传教的男孩），艾莉（男主的女儿），玛丽（男主的前妻，艾莉的母亲），丹（经常给男主送披萨的外卖员）。以及未在片中出现，但十分重要的，男主的同性爱人艾伦。

场景，仅有男主家内及房门前的走廊。毫无疑问，这是一部优秀的影片。没有依靠百变的场景，没有依靠复杂的人物关系，却让我在打开这部影片的第三次，才下定决心看下去。不是因为这部影片无聊得让人看不下去，而是，太悲伤了。悲伤到如果在吃饭时观看的话，会不自觉地放下手中的碗筷，即使机械地朝口中送着食物，也会感到食之无味，难以下咽。

除了人物设定及场景设计外，《鲸》的天气安排别有用心。暴雨，一场接一场的暴雨，不停地下着，如果暴雨真的有洗刷的能力，我希望它能洗刷掉发生在查理身上的一切“错误”（"I know I made a lot of mistakes."）。在和前妻争论有关女儿的事情时，查理释放着全身的情绪说道"I need to know that I have done one thingrightwith my life.（我得确定，我这一生至少做了一件正确的事情）" 。可，查理真的有错吗? 查理纯粹地，不停地，爱着。

在回看电影时，我注意到了新的细节：查理脖颈下的汗水，眼中涌出的泪水，同肆虐的雨水一起，塑造了一个即将走向生命尽头，但仍想紧紧抓住些什么的主角形象。看完电影，我不禁思考，查理的女儿（艾莉）究竟是其母亲（玛丽）嘴中所说的evil还是查理坚信不疑的perfect。不难理解，为什么时隔九年，在和曾经的丈夫形容女儿时，玛丽会说"She isawful; She isterrible;She isevil."查理离家的9年里，是玛丽承受了女儿的古怪，在她捉弄同学时，在她弄坏老师的轮胎时，是这个单身母亲承担了一切责任。我无法确定，当录下了托马斯的坦白录音并联系其父母及以往的教堂时，艾莉究竟是想帮助他重返家庭还是只是想满足自己捉弄的欲望。查理在临终前安慰着自己"She wasn't trying to hurt him. She was trying to help him." 人是复杂的，一个17岁的少女，兼具evil与perfect也不足为奇。

这部电影让我开始思考爱、恨与悔三者之间的关系。查理为了追求真爱而离开了原本的家庭，他是否会憎恨艾伦的不告而别？是否会后悔在艾伦离开后所进行的自我毁灭行为？当然，肯定的是，他极端后悔没有参与艾莉的成长，以至于这变成了他放弃生命的原因之一。玛丽，一个被卷入悲剧的女人。深爱着的丈夫突然宣布自己喜欢另一个男人，年轻的母亲只能一边独自抚养孩子，一边向大家解释，为什么自己的丈夫为了一个男人离开。她是恨的，但这种恨源于爱。艾莉的爱与恨，隐蔽又鲜明。她无知的在查理的三明治里添加安眠药，她恨查理，恨他的离开，恨他的失职。但她又处处表现出对父爱的渴望。她多么希望，在自己成长的过程中，能听到父亲对自己说，"You are sobeautiful. You are amazing.You are amazing. This essay is amzing. This essay is you. This essay is you. You're the best thing I have ever done. Ellie, you're perfect. You'll be happy. You care about people." 查理确实说了，说了一次，也只会有这一次。

最后写利兹，托马斯及丹。

一个是亲生哥哥，因信仰与现实的矛盾日益消瘦；一个是哥哥的挚爱，因哥哥的离去日渐丰盈，危及生命。利兹是不幸的，又是温暖的。她希望哥哥开心，希望查理开心。但最终，她还是前后经历了哥哥与查理的离开。可能最初，由于查理给哥哥带来了快乐，所以利兹爱屋及乌地开始和查理相处。但最后，相信利兹与查理已变成了真正的朋友。面对集哥哥的挚爱及个人的好友于一身的查理的自我毁灭与离开，可能利兹更多的是无奈。

对于托马斯来说，查理像是一个实验品。托马斯用其来实验自己的想法，用其来为自己的逃离找寻借口。与其说他急切地想拯救查理，倒不如说他渴望证明自己。在经历了这一切后，托马斯最终回到了家庭。到底，谁被拯救了呢？

丹，经常给查理送披萨的外卖员。每当查理痛苦之时，隔着门传来的声音就会及时响起。每次，查理都会在丹离开时盯着他映在百叶窗上的影子。他多么想亲自对丹说一声“我很好，祝你也拥有愉快的一天。”可是他不能。最终，在那个暴雨倾盆的夜晚，在查理出去拿外卖时，他与曾经只以影子和声音状态出现的丹“见面”了。后者的表情和语言浇灭了查理的希望。

以下是我个人喜欢的对话片段：

1. 托马斯最后一次来找查理，他自认为自己明白了艾伦为什么选择自杀，在说了自己的想法后，查理的回复：

"You know something? I wasn't always this big. I mean, I wasn't the best-looking guy in the room, but Alan loved me. He thought I was beautiful.Halfwaythrough the semester, he started meeting me during my office hours. Andwe were... We were crazy about one another. But we waited untilthe class was over before... It was just after classes had ended for the year. It wasperfect temperature outside. We took a walk in the arboretum, and we kissed. We wouldspend entirenights lying together, naked. We would make love. We would make love. Do youfind that disgusting?I hopethat there isn't a God, because I hate to think that there'san afterlife, and that Alan can see what I have done to myself. That he can see my swollen feet, and the sores on my skin, andpatches of mold in between the flaps. The infected ulcers on my ass,andthe sack offat on my back thatturnedbrown last year. This is disgusting?I'm disgusting?"

2. 查理临终前与利兹的交谈：

"I tried to save him, Liz. I thoughtthat if I just loved him, that he wouldn't need anyone else. I toldhim he didn'tneed God, he didn't need anyone but me."

3. 利兹对查理的回复（回应上方“2”）：

"Charlie,all I know is that you gave Alan the best years of his life.If itweren'tfor you, he would have jumped off that bridge yearsearlier. Nobody could've saved him. Bellieve me, I spent yearstrying. I don't think I believe anyonecan save anyone."

4. 查理临终前对艾莉所说：

"I'm sorry for leaving you. I was in love, and I left you behind. You did notdeserve that. I don't know how I could have done such a thing. "

查理的镇痛剂，艾莉的初中论文：

"In the amazing book,Moby Dick, by the author Herman Melville,the author recounts hisstory of being at sea. In the first part of his book,the author, calling himself Ishmael, is in asmall seaside town, and he is sharing a bed with a man named Queequeg. The author and Queequeg go to church and later set out on a ship captained by a pirate named Ahab, who is missing a leg,and very much wants to kill the whale which is named Moby Dick, and which is white. In the course of the book, the pirate Ahab encounters many hardships. His entire life is set around trying to kill a certain whale. I think this is sad because this whale doesn't have any emotions, and doesn't know how bad Ahab wants to kill him. He's just a poor big animal. And I feel for Ahab as well, because he thinks that his life will be better if he can just kill this whale, but in reality, it won't help him at all. I was very saddened by this book, and I felt many emotions for the characters. And I felt saddest of all when I read the boring chapters that were only descriptions of whales, because I knew that the author was just trying to save us from his own sad story, just for a little while. This book made me think about my own life, and then it made me feel glad for my..."

以此句，总结查理的内心："Do you ever get the feeling that people are incapable of not caring? People are amazing."

写于 2023年3月26日